John Haskell and I decided to write monologue jokes to start off our show last night and we did 5 each off of yesterdays news events. I would say 4 of mine worked pretty damn well. I was happy since I only had a bit of time to write them before the show and 4 out of 5 aint bad. See if you can guess which one did NOT work:

1. A Pop Tart World store has opened in Times Square featuring products such as Pop Tart Sushi consisting of pop tarts and various candies. Problems quickly arose when Jeremy Piven was reported visiting the store and getting Swedish Fish mercury poisoning.

2. Paris Hilton impersonated Marilyn Monroe in order to promote her new fragrance dedicated to the icon. She committed to the role by wearing Marylyn’s signature hair style, posing for recreations of some famous Marylyn photos, and digging up JFK’s corpse and sucking his dick.

3. France has ended restrictions barring people under 5 ft 3 from joining the police force. In a seemingly unrelated story in France last week, a fleet of midget bank robbers escaped police down a tiny hallway.

4. Brittany Spears is set to appear on Glee where singers under anesthesia hallucinate about Spears and being like her. The hallucination will consist of mostly being under higher doses of anesthesia.

5. A survey on dating site OKCupid suggests Iphone users have a lot more sex than owners of any other smart phone. The sex, however, often ends abruptly and men report loosing an erection if their partner holds their shaft incorrectly.

On April 17th I was part of one of the strangest events in human history.
The night was destined to be a disaster when the drummer got whooping cough, a girl I wrote a song about for the show got strep, and I ended up forgetting the lyrics to half the song. More details here: